* I will maintain a healthy
amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is
attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I
just let her in on my plans.
* If it becomes necessary to
escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
* If the beautiful princess
that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me,
NEVER!!!" I will say "Oh well," and kill her.
* My undercover agents will
not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they
be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
* Before appointing someone
as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation
and security clearance.
*I will not employ robots as
agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be
reprogrammed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily
removable.
* All members of my Legions
of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier
unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
* I will exchange the labels
on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the
hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for
Grandma's Potato Salad.
* When planning an
expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick,
leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
* After I captures the hero's
superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard
because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero
held the weapon and I took it from him.
* I will design all doomsday
machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure
that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo
the damage he's caused.
* My dungeon cell decor will
not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are
good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
* I will not locate a base in
a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to
bypass security by repelling down from above.
* Should I actually decide to
kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up,
sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone
five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead
(finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching
my adversary's demise.
* Despite the delicious
irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
* Before ridiculing my
enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I
will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that, in fact, it
couldn't possibly work.
* If an attractive young
couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find
they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstance
have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time
bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions
when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of
sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
* If my surveillance reports
any unmanned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to
be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
* If I burst into rebel
headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd blinking device, I will not
walk up and investigate. I'll run like hell.
* If I am dangling over a
precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull
him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then
return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
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