* I will see a competent
psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre
compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
* I will spare someone who
saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages
others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to
spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
* I will not ignore the
messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal
grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
* If I find my beautiful
consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll
have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than
new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation
meeting.
* I will classify my
lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted.
Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
* I will hire one hopelessly
stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of
misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
* Before spending available
funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating
pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures
that could use the extra budget.
* I will instruct my guards
when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the
chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter
and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner
is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided
to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and
poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
* I will order my guards to
stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them
accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below and
to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
* I will not devise any
scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping
me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
* I will not use hostages as
bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human
shields, there's no point in taking them.
* If I come into possession
of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt
to use it regardless.
* If I have equipment which
performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that
someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
* Since nothing is more
irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal
weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
* I will have my fortress
exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate
atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
* I will add indelible dye to
the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards
should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
* If I know of any heroes in
the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers,
and/or best friends.
* If I have the hero and his
party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off
if more conventional means are available.
* I will not hold any sort of
public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the
public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
* If a malignant being
demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make
sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely
on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is
the hero's girlfriend.)
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