Things I will Remember if I Ever Become Evil Overlord
* I will be secure in my
superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the
form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
* My noble half-brother whose
throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten
cell of my dungeon.
* When I employ people as
advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
* One of my advisors will be
an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot
will be corrected before implementation.
* My Legions of Terror will
have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
* I will hire a talented
fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as
opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers,
Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and
I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
* No matter how tempted I am
with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field
bigger than my head.
* If my supreme command
center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared
escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops
break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
* I will not include a
self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it
will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push!" The big
red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets
on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
clearly be labeled as such.
* I will never employ any
device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely
unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the
hero is just putting his plan into operation.
* My ventilation ducts will
be too small to crawl through.
* I will hire a team of
board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of
any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
* When I've captured my
adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell
me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. No,
on second thought I'll shoot him then say, "No."
* All slain enemies will be
cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not
left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as
well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
* All bumbling conjurers, clumsy
squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively
put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
no source of comic relief.
* All naive, busty tavern
wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who
will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero
or his sidekick.
* My pet monster will be kept
in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not
accidentally stumble.
* I will treat any beast
which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if
the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
* Once my power is secure, I
will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
* If I learn the whereabouts
of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to
seize it. Instead, I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put
a Want-Ad in the local paper.
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