Evil Overlord: Part 3

Things I will Remember if I Ever Become Evil Overlord

* I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

* I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

* I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

* I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for each aspect of my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

* The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

* My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Anyone who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

* I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

* I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

* I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

* My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard PC and Macintosh laptops.

* I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

* My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

* When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

* If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

* I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

* I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

* All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

* I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

* I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

* If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.