* After I kidnap the
beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony,
not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my
plan will be carried out.
* I will never utter the
sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to
know."
* Despite its proven
stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so
occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive
individual could adjust to accordingly.
* If an advisor says to me
"My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will
reply, "This," and kill the advisor.
* If one of my dungeon guards
begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell,
I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
* My dungeon will have its
own qualified medical staff, complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner
becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard
will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
* When my guards split up to
search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They
will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol,
the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
* I will instruct my Legions
of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while
members break off and attack one or two at a time.
* I will not rely entirely
upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively
inconspicuous talismans.
* I will not order my trusted
lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me--I'll do it
myself.
* Before employing any
captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
* I will never build a
sentient computer smarter than I am.
* My dungeon cells will not
be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can
be unraveled.
* Even though I don't really
care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to
build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the
ground for no good structural reason.
* I will not agree to let the
heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me
it is impossible for them to win.
* I will never accept a
challenge from the hero.
* I will decree that all hay
be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to
pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
* I will not hold lavish
banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make
up for the bad PR among the masses.
* My vats of hazardous
chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways
above them.
* If I decide to hold a
double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will
see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
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