Saturday, February 2, 2013

Evil Overlord: Part 4

Things I will Remember if I Ever Become Evil Overlord


* After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

* I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

* Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.


* If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the advisor.

* If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

* My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff, complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.


* When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

* I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

* I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

* I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me--I'll do it myself.

* Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

* I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

* My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

* Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

* I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

* I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

* I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

* I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

* My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

* If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.








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