* I will not fly into a rage
and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I
really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
* I will not turn into a
snake. It never helps.
* I will not grow a goatee.
In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a
disaffected member of Generation X.
* If I decide to test a
lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I
will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
* If I have a fit of
temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my
trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current
trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
* If a group of henchmen fail
miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same
group out to try the task again.
* When arresting prisoners,
my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely
sentimental value.
* Prison guards will have
their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver
snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that
accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
* If I am escaping in a large
truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not
wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road
as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead, I will slam on the brakes when he's
directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite
useful.)
* Whenever plans are drawn up
that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's
actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
* If my doomsday device
happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will
be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
* I will make sure that my
doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
* The passageways to and
within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the
spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
* Ropes supporting various
fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers
will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
* I will not imprison members
of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are
important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person
instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
* No matter how attractive
certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as
attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice
before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
* All crones with the ability
to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and high fashion wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
* All midwives will be banned
from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised
by creatures of the wild.
* I will never place the key
to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
* If I'm sitting in my camp,
hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland
creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If
they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol--I will
break out the napalm.)
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