Monday, May 6, 2013

Evil Overlord: Part 7

Things I will Remember if I Ever Become Evil Overlord


* I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

* I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

* I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

* If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

* If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

* If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

* When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

* Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

* If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead, I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

* Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

* If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

* I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

* The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

* Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

* I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

* No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

* All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and high fashion wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

* All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

* I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

* If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol--I will break out the napalm.)









No comments:

Post a Comment